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For my Sloanie Girl

My beautiful girl,

Today was a hard day. This morning, at 2 am- you cried so hard and I didn't know how to comfort you. We had a rough week, and tonight was harder. I am wracked with needing sleep. I am realizing that for me, the night leading to Friday may be the hardest. I am so close to getting at least 5 hours of sleep- I can taste it. Because dad doesn't work Saturdays, I can go to bed after my 2:30 am shift end, and sleep until I wake up (Your brother is pretty good at sleeping in, so long as I am holding him).

Last night was different. You were fussy- which honestly isn't you. You are curious, wide-eyed, and sweetly sleepy, or alert and interested. I knew something was wrong. I changed you diaper at 2, and I saw the source of your discomfort. There was blood in your diaper and your g-tube. All I could think was, "Why can't these things happen when we have a nurse here? Why is this only happening at 2 am when I am beyond sleep deprived, and why- after everything else you've been through- do you have to experience more pain?"  This isn't fair. 

I called your nurse line, and they said if it wasn't bright red, it wasn't emergent, and to wait until 8 am when I could bring you to your pediatrician. I did. And all day we rushed from doctor to doctor. You got heel pokes, shots of antibiotic... you had to get weighed at each place. You were prodded and checked, and stretched. You were X-Rayed and cold and hungry. All day you developed new symptoms. A rash. A cough. Course lungs. All the while, I was amazed by how little you cried or protested. You even smiled. A simple shot would have sent Aiden into hysterics for half a day at your age. But you just took the good moments and enjoyed them. How I admire your tenacity. Every time I was able to hold you, your little body relaxed into me and you just enjoyed the moment.

For the record: I knew very early in my pregnancy that I was pregnant with you. We were at Nanny and Papa Fortna's home, and I couldn't get comfortable sleeping. I felt restless and my stomach felt empty. And I realized I was pregnant. Daddy and I were just out for the weekend, helping Nanny and Papa get the Mount Shasta home ready to sell. Papa was very sick but home from the hospital and we were working hard to help them in a timely fashion, before Papa went into a clinical trial down in Los Angeles. As we worked outside, clearing the front of the house of weeds, I talked to Papa. I told him that I thought- after 3 long years of wanting a baby so badly- that I thought I was pregnant. He chose that moment to tell me that he didn't think he had long. I told him not to worry. We would always take care of anything Nanny and Aunt Sissy may need. Little did I know that we would need my Dad on the other side to watch over us. I'd need him in a different capacity to ensure Nanny could be here for so long to help us. My own needs were so much different than I could have possibly understood.

Sloane, I know on these days that are hard, that my dad is there with you. 6 months ago today, I walked into my dad's hospital room for the last time, and felt Papa leave us- but I know he didn't go far. He is here watching out for you. On days like today, I really know that. The night before I had you, I had a dream I was sitting next to Papa on a bench, and he told me all about how wonderful you would be. I know that he was in the operating room the morning you were born. I know his hands carried you- along with your Grandma Ball. You have so many people on the other side that are pulling for you, helping you, and assisting you. I am so grateful for angels- both here on earth and those that have passed on.

You are someone who was born to do something great. You literally had no chance of survival in a normal delivery- and you defied all odds to be here. That alone will solidify to me that miracles are happening today. YOU are my miracle. YOU are my strength when I don't know what to do anymore. You are my reason that I haven't been lost in despair through all of this. You and your brother are my happy thoughts. I can't imagine a life without the two of you.

Today- today was a hard day. We had helpers all around us though. Our nurse was amazing, even though I was nervous. Dad managed to get off work quickly and come to us. One of our wonderful friends took Aiden without question or complaint, and he went happily. These things are miracles.

Words can't describe the love I feel for you. The protection I wish for you. And the strength I get from being you and your brother's mom. Motherhood is hard and crazy and fulfilling and sometimes the best of times- and often the worst of times. But as my own mom used to say- you won't know love until the doctor places your own baby in your arms.

Be strong, with so much love,

Mom


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